Dhoni explains decision to retire

Did I mention Kohli? I don't like the way he looks at me.

MS Dhoni's surprise decision to retire seems to have divided people into one of two camps: those who cheer the selfless pragmatism of choosing to retire in the middle of an important series, and those who struggle to comprehend exactly what the **** Dhoni was thinking by choosing to retire midway through an important series.

Thankfully, Dhoni has decided to put his newfound extra time to good use by explaining his actions himself. Turns out there was more than just one good reason to retire the way he did.

• There comes a time when a captain has to take stock of his place in the overall scheme of things, and unselfishly decide to step down and disassociate his name from yet another Test series loss under his charge. Why not spread the blame? There's plenty to go around.
• As some resourceful types with plenty of time on their hands have pointed out elsewhere on this website, I have squatted for a grand total of 113,120 times over the past seven years. That's a long time to have spent standing crouched behind another man's buttocks.Look, I just wanted to sneak into a few of the year-end retrospectives trotted out by the media, okay? Is that such a crime? I mean how else was I going to get a mention?
• Virat Kohli.
• Honestly I don't know what all the fuss is about. I mean, when and how else was I going to make such an announcement? Everyone knows that midway through a tour of Australia is the best time to suddenly announce one's retirement from the game. I'm 33 now, which means this is probably my last tour to Australia. Which means I'll probably never get another opportunity like this to go out in such a time-honoured manner. Part of being a successful captain is knowing when to go.
• Besides, how many captains can say that their last innings was a heroic unbeaten affair that pretty much singlehandedly drew the team a Test in Australia? Srini uncle called me the other day and assured me that as a mark of honor, the number "24*" will be embroidered onto the kits of all the players for as long as they play for India. With any luck, it will also appear on their day-to-day casual attire.
• Did I mention Virat Kohli? I don't like the way he looks at me sometimes. Kids these days have no respect for their elders.
• Speaking of which, have you seen my face? If I were any greyer I'd be dead. Captaincy has robbed me of my youth, of my most vital years. This is the kind of premature grey that only people who have been through some form of severe trauma experience, like a nuclear holocaust or the loss of a favourite motorbike. Who needs it? Now that I've retired from Test cricket, I look forward to having a few extra minutes each morning to at least be able to shave and not look like the host from Tales from the Crypt anymore.
• Sakshi tells me that her actress friends tell her that Test cricket is on the way out right now. All-whites are so last season.
• Ravi Shastri.
• Apparently riding motorbikes isn't enough, but you also need to be very obviously tattooed these days if you want to be taken seriously anymore.
• With Test cricket out of the way, I can finally devote my time and energy in the format where I feel most comfortable performing in: in the boardroom as vice-president of India Cements.
• Did I say Ravi Shastri? Things just haven't been the same since he was foisted upon us. Fletch and I enjoyed a certain chemistry together, you know? We used to have nightly drink-and-cigar sessions, where we would just sit on the verandah of our hotel room in a comfortable silence, just sitting there staring at the wall or each other's faces (same difference) as we reflected on the day's play. But our delicate chemistry had of late been rudely interrupted when Shastri would suddenly barge into the room a la Cosmo Kramer, a six-pack of beer in hand (the amateur), reeking of cologne and bellowing something about how the night was still young. God, that man is obnoxious.

Source:

ESPN Sports Media Ltd.